Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which a goat wearing novelty sunglasses climbs to the top of the Empire State Building and whispers “CELEBRITY” before plummeting down to the ground. This week, Miley Cyrus made her wedding rings out of rolling papers; Kendall Jenner is getting ready to play The Most Dangerous Game; every female celebrity in a long-term relationship is lonely; Rihanna might become a mom.

God, aren’t men boring? Let’s roll.

TAYLOR SWIFT’S SHOCKING ROMANCE

Oh HELL yes we’re starting off with Taylor and Karlie, the two Barbie dolls from your childhood that you covered in glitter and made scissor on your bathroom floor. But before we get there, let’s talk about… Kendra Wilkinson eating turkey testicles, cow lips, cockroaches and crickets. This Paleo Xtreme DeathSwag is due to Kendra’s stint in the Australian jungle for I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. She lost a lot of weight eating those crickets, lips ‘n balls. Next up, in huge surprises: Gwyneth Paltrow is a thankless and demanding boss! Madonna is jealous of her daughter’s best quality: YOUTH! And, because her grandmother had a baby at 49 (??) Nicole Kidman, 47, wants to put a BUN in that OVEN! Elsewhere, Kendall Jenner has “decided to take the plunge” of dating Chris Brown. We know this because they were on the same team at a charity football game and also maybe they were in a car accident together and also they took a picture together on Instagram and also maybe they’ve been banging secretly for quite some time.

Okay, now it’s Taylor and Karlie time. This story is as great and stupid—it’s just a retelling of their friendship timeline as (re)constructed by social media, but with this wonderfully delicate fairytale tone (“Although Taylor went so far as to set aside a bedroom for [Karlie] in her Manhattan apartment, complete with pictures of the model on the walls and a basket of her favorite snacks on the nightstand”) that is as pleasing as it is infuriating: if either celeb in question was “trashy” (i.e. curvy or outspoken or non-white) this story would be covered like SHOCKING DIRTY LESBIAN SECRET XXX. There’s no real news except apparently Karlie likes Taylor more than Taylor likes Karlie, and the writer inexplicably separates THE KISS CAUGHT ON CAMERA (it looks like a blob) from the fact that this kiss occurred at a 1975 show and Taylor’s supposedly also dating Matt Healy from the 1975.

In other news, the Royal Christmas Dinner will include zero Middleton parents and one “roast turkey and plum pudding with Devon cream” (disgusting: turkeys do not go with plums or cream). Past years have included a “lighthearted royal gift exchange” in which Prince Harry got the Queen a shower cap with the slogan “Ain’t life a bitch.” God love you, Prince Harry. Here’s a real quote from a super rude story about KHLOE KARDASHIAN’S “REVENGE BODY”: “See Khloe squat! See Khloe lift! See Khloe jump rope! See Khloe push a sled!” The particular rudeness is that the writer is like “Why is it taking so long for her work to show up?” The last line of the story is “Hmm.”

Grade: B- (roast turkey testicle with Devon plum cream)

Life & Style
MILEY’S MARRIED

LOL. I mean, she’s not. Other things that are not happening: Kendall Jenner wants to get surgery on her belly button because when she got it pierced, it started to look like “two belly buttons.” Cue everyone in the Kardashian family all solemn and hushed like, “Kendall……. no……. you couldn’t do anything to your body….” Lil Kim owes $126k in back taxes. In May, she told her fans that she was registered at Buy Buy Baby and was like “Buy your mother some gifts.” Joaquin Phoenix told David Letterman that he was engaged to his yoga instructor, but then the next day said he made it up. “I wanted the audience to like me,” he said, once he was comfortable back at home all zipped up into his gimp suit.

An amazing caption for Olivia Wilde holding her baby up: “A tender moment and a great workout all rolled into one!” An amazing revelation about Amy Poehler’s process: she writes topless, to relax. An amazing quote from Sailor Twift: “I feel uncomfortable being the No. 1 priority in my friends’ lives.” LOL SAILOR TWIFT, LIKE HELL YOU DO. Miranda Lambert has descended into “Booze, Pills & Darkness,” otherwise known as hold on what were you saying you have pills and I can drink wine and sit in the dark? Where? Tonight? Someone’s like, “Rihanna’s Pregnant.” A MediaTakeOut report says that she has “given up weed” and “banned it from her recording studio” to prepare for BB Riri. There’s literally no way in the world that Rihanna is ever giving up weed.

Okay, we are at the cover story, in which Miley becomes a Kennedy via secretly betrothing Patrick “Arnold” Schwarzenegger. I am surprised and honored and humbled to say, THIS FAKE STORY IS FUCKING AMAZING. So, on December 5th at Art Basel, Miley—fresh off the glow of recovering from a pregnancy scare—made some phone calls, got a MIDGET MINISTER to go hide in her hotel room, whipped out RINGS SHE’D MADE OUT OF ROLLING PAPERS and walked down the aisle to a TECHNO REMIX OF “HERE COMES THE BRIDE.” Their vows included, and I’m quoting the story, Miley saying that “she’d try to be a faithful wife, but… she couldn’t make any promises,” and Patrick saying she’d marry her if she took his last name. “Then they made out for like five minutes while everyone cheered.” Next step, an actual marriage certificate/actual wedding for these “two peas in a pod.” Blessings and congratulations to Peas!

Grade: C- (if there were two pods, each containing two peas, and each pea had two belly buttons and all of the happy peas had to have plastic surgery for an E! original TV series)

inTouch
HOLIDAYS FROM HELL

*Majestic clouds part in the sky as Moses comes down from the mountain* Huge news, the Kardashians are fighting. They are having holidays from hell, so like, lots of circle ornaments on the tree, lots of river stuff, a nice fire? Sounds great. The night after Miley Cyrus partied hard at Art Basel, Maria Shriver posted a video on Twitter about the dangers of binge-drinking. “Worth showing yr kids & talking to them about who they are & will be this weekend.” LOL. Also funny is this story of Adam Levine eating an apple while doing a radio interview. Even funnier is Snooki making an Etsy shop in which the first item up for sale was a mug that said ‘Your the Snooki to my JWOWW.’ [Sic]. Siiiick.

Reese Witherspoon is fighting with her husband, whom she was arrested with (tabloids #neverforget) in 2013. Wreath has a “potty mouth” and she is “pretty feisty” and doesn’t answer texts and the pair of them fight in public, which sounds absolutely inhuman and unpardonable, let’s talk about it some more. Except here is the cover story, in which Kris & Scott Get Wasted, Khloe Is Fat-Shamed, Kanye Leaves Kim, Kendall & Kylie are Feuding, and Rob’s a Mess. “WAIT, IT GETS WEIRDER,” screeches a hawk from high up in the sky. Bruce Jenner is becoming a— *hawk plummets from the sky and executes me before I can finish this sentence*

Grade: D+ (the radio editor who had to be like, “Adam, are you eating an APPLE?”/the Adam’s apple joke Levine was probably not smart enough to make after)

US Weekly
KATE’S SECRET AFFAIR

*hawk performs CPR* I’m back. I do not know who this “Derek Hough” person is on the cover having a SECRET AFFAIR with Kate Hudson (don’t tell me, I’ll “put it together on my own”) but I do know that it’s an incredible idea to have a spread of celebrities holding things in both hands. “DOUBLE-DARE CHALLENGE,” barks a grumpy old dog. “Twinning!” he sputters. “Two is always better than one.” That is literally the text on this page.

Selena Gomez spent Taylor Swift’s birthday party on the upstairs terrace yelling at Sam Smith that “No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn’t even understand me!” Other unnamed “minions” spent the birthday party prepping Taylor’s pad (EWWW) and setting out “eight bags of sushi” (???????), 20 pizzas ( 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 ) and lots of beer. Okay, the cover story: Kate Hudson is breaking her four-year engagement to bang a guy from Dancing With the Stars. This courtship came after a lot of “dancing,” “charades” and “Heads Up and fun games like that.” I love Heads Up. *googles Heads Up* Derek has also dated Shannon Elizabeth, Cheryl Cole, Lauren Conrad, and Nina Dobrev. Those Mormons! For Christmas, Quvenzhane Wallis wants beads and a Tamagotchi. Let’s get her one. Piper Perabo shares her recipe for a “Chocolate Yule Log.” Step one, you eat too much. Step two, you mix your liquors.

Grade: D- (when you’re trying to flush your “Chocolate Yule Log” and the water starts rising in the toilet bowl and your Log rolls right over the toilet seat onto your mother-in-law’s newly retiled bathroom floor. Also you’re drunk)

Star
$200 MILLION DIVORCE BOMBSHELL

I have to say, I feel fucking high as HELL because the Gawker office smells like someone pooped on the floor and then Zamboni’d the poop in a smooth layer over the pretty wood floors and then smoke-bombed the poop smell out by simultaneously setting off ~1000 cans of Axe body spray, so I think I am going to have to do this a new way.

So. Who is Fighting? Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan (they are having uneven career paths). Lady Gaga and Taylor Boyfriend (she wants to have a baby and is insecure). Alec Baldwin and Hilaria Yogababe (Baldwin thinks his wife is too into herself, a likely story). Norman Reedus (?) and Cecilia Singley (??) (Why is a normal oboe reed fighting with a Catholic onesie IDK IDK IDK). Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake (she is PREGNANT and alone and he hasn’t recommitted himself to domestic life the way that Jessica totally thought she would when she was like GIMME DA BABY. The story also reveals that Biel’s restaurant “Au Fudge” is “just something to keep her busy.” You think?) Angelina Jolie and Amy Pascal (LOL). Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban (she TOO is home alone and wants a baby).

Who is Boning? Kendall J and Chris Brown (why not). Ashanti and Nelly (they’re giving it one more shot).

LOL. That’s literally it. That’s the magazine. Thank you and good night.

Grade: F (the aneurysm you get from an office that either smelled like someone Axed a poop or someone pooped in an Axe container)

Addendum:
Fig 1., of Tiny Baby at Disney World, Life & Style

Fig 2., inTouch

Fig 3., inTouch

Fig. 4, Life & Style

Fig 5., Your Weirdest Dream, OK!